This ONE THING will save your relationship - and how to have it

Transcript

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Welcome to the relationship success lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools. So you can let go of old wounds and create. A secure, trusting, loving relationship. I'm dot Sarah global award-winning expert relationships, psychologist, and consultants helping high-achievers on business leaders. To have happy and healthy relationships. Grab my relationship health quiz full free. In the link below to get started now. On with your journey to relationship success. Hello friends, and welcome to today's episode. It's going to be short, but it is something that I believe is necessary for everybody to hear. And the reason why I think that this is necessary is because this one thing is the core foundational topic, the issue that underlies. All other issues that we experience in a relationship. So any pain, any challenge, any conflict, any arguments. Anytime you felt dismissed, shut down, anytime you felt abandoned or you were frightened of being abandoned. Any of these painful experiences really have this one fundamental issue at the core. I. And by the way, this is applied. If you have got historical trauma when it comes to relationship, if you've had trauma bonding, if you have had or continue to have an insecure attachment style, so anxious or avoidant or disorganized. But it really boils down to this one thing that is at the core, and that is emotional safety and. I know whenever I bring up this topic, people understand it and they recognize its importance, but I don't think people really appreciate the magnitude of how important emotional safety is because I guarantee it is the core, the foundation of so much of the stuff. It is the core of communication. Of communication breaks down. It is the core of understanding whether or not you're going to allow yourself to understand your partner, and if you feel like your partner has the ability to understand you. Whether or not you're able to trust each other, whether or not betrayal happens, whether or not there is humility, whether or not there is growth together, whether or not there is alignment, compatibility, if you are complimenting one another, if you are able to really hold in mind the other person. All of this stuff stems from the issue of emotional safety, her, in fact, even physical intimacy, sex. If we are not having one night stand, if we are actually in love with our partner, we also need emotional safety to really be able to be physically intimate with our partner. So emotional intimacy is something that is mandatory and we have to feel safe when we are in that space with our partner because it is literally the foundation from which we can grow And. If we don't have emotional safety, I guarantee it does not matter how good of a communicator you are. It doesn't matter how good you are at negotiating. It doesn't matter how good you are at trying to understand your partner. It does not matter how good sex is. It does not matter if you trust your partner on a practical level, but if you don't have emotional safety, it can't survive. The relationship can't survive. And it can't survive because you, as a whole human being, you don't show up in the relationship. A curated version of you shows up in the relationship. So for us to really be our authentic self, we also have to accept a level of vulnerability because we're vulnerable when we're all, when we are our authentic self. We do have to show parts of ourselves that sometimes might feel a bit uncomfortable. And we're doing that in the hope that we will be accepted just as we come. We do that because we hope to be loved just as we are without any filter. And that's the reason why vulnerability is so important. Because, because if we can be vulnerable, we can experience love just the way that we are. We can experience acceptance just the way that we are, and that can then lead us to experiencing a really fulfilling, meaningful relationship and what a beautiful story that would be. But we can only have a, be we vulnerable with somebody if we have emotional safety with them. Now, what is emotional safety? I need to really highlight that emotional safety. Is not being agreeable and it is not feeling comfortable. And more often than not, I meet people, I have clients who come to me. I have people who write me emails. Oh my goodness, the number of emails I get is insane, but you know, I'll, I'll have people who make this comment. And it's made me realize, oh, okay. So many people out there. Believe that emotional safety is in line, or it's in the same realm, or it matches up with agreement and feeling comfortable with person. So you know you agree on the same principles and you feel comfortable with one another, therefore you are emotionally safe. I would say that is absolutely not at all correct. They might coincide. They might coexist, so you might feel emotionally safe and be in agreement and feel comfortable, but they're not the same thing. So emotional safety is trusting that you will not be punished for being real. Emotional. Safety is trusting that you will not be punished for being real. That if you show up authentically as you are, if you say what is going on for you, if you show up in a particular way, if you are expressing yourself, if you are calling out your partner on something, if you are saying, Hey, I really don't like this, or really don't like that, I don't appreciate this, whatever it is, but it's showing up in a real, authentic way and trusting that you will not be punished. And when I say punished, I don't mean that your partner is beating you up. Um, I mean, obviously that that should be a given. That, that they're not physically, uh, violent, but actually you are not punished in that they are not emotionally aggressive. They are not verbally aggressive, that they do not stonewall you. They do not give you the silent treatment. They don't suppress you. They don't avoid you. They don't gaslight you. They don't pretend like. You are going crazy and your viewpoint doesn't matter. They don't dismiss you. They don't demean you. They don't talk down to you. They don't negatively judge you for what it is that you are showing up with. That's what it is. And when we're in that space, we're not in agreement. We're not in agreement. And it doesn't feel comfortable necessarily because you know, we are in disagreement and we are. Um, trying to resolve something that is painful, that might not even be resolved, but actually we feel safe to be in that space and to show up just as we are, because we know that we're not going to be shut down. We know that we're not going to be dismissed. We know we're not going to be criticized or made to feel like we're going crazy. We know that we're not gonna be guilt tripped. We know we're not going to be abandoned. We know that this isn't just going to be something that's going to be shelved and you know, maybe it'll be picked upon later, maybe not. We know that these things aren't going to happen. We know that we are going to be acknowledged and appreciated. We know that we're going to be seen, and that's something that is really key and necessary, and that is really what emotional safety is about. It's not necessarily about roses. And flowers and things being magical and that we're going off into the distance. It, it's not about rainbows, it's not about any of those things, but it's literally about trusting that we will not be punished even when we show up in a difficult way or we're presenting something that is challenging and we trust that we will be accepted. That's something that's really important, so. Quick tips or quick things for you to watch out for, uh, really signs that emotional safety is missing. So for example, if you feel like you are walking on eggshells, if you feel like you need to stay quiet as to not rock the boat, if you feel like, well, if you say this, they'll be unhappy. And if you say that, they might be better. Even though you don't necessarily agree with what it's that you're about to say or do, if you notice that you are having to create a different version of yourself, so they will be pleased with you if you are noticing that you are having to filter out certain things, certain opinions, thoughts, emotions, just so that you don't disrupt the vibe in the room. If you notice that you always adjust and edit yourself based on. How they're doing, their emotions. And I'm not talking about, let's say if they've just gone through a massive tragedy and you are trying to support them, and so, you know, you might kind of hold back a little bit on other things that come up for you. I'm, I'm not necessarily talking about that. What I am talking about is you consistently having to edit yourself and create this different alternative version of yourself and what it is that you show up with so that you don't. Have that punishment, that criticism, that silent treatment, that avoidance, that challenge as to whether or not your viewpoint is worthy or is acceptable. Now I want you to ask yourself this one question, and it's really a self-reflection prompt and here it is. When did I last feel truly safe to speak? Honestly, when did I last feel truly safe to speak honestly? And what helped create that moment? If you really sit with that question and you really consider, what was it that helped me to really speak safely, that's going to give you a biggest indicator as to what it is that you need to work on in your relationship and what it is that you need to have more of. So, for example, if it was my partner was working really hard to understand me, and they were really listening to me, they were paying attention to me. I sent them a message saying that I was upset at work and they went to buy me flowers and I felt really safe then because I could see that they were considering me. And so when we really sit to with what it was that helped create that moment of safety, when I could truly speak unfiltered, that's really when we can start to figure out what it is that we need to work on, what it is that we need to have more of, and that. The safety is so incredibly important to cultivate before we ever get to a problem solving stage, and this is really what we need to work on and focus in on before we do anything else in our relationship because I guarantee if we're able to fix and solve this one thing, everything else will follow suit and will improve. I hope you enjoyed this episode and please take care of yourself and your loved one. If you wanna get in touch. My details are in the show notes below, and until next time, take care.