Boundaries aren't barriers - they are bridges

Often people work so hard to “get others to be convinced of why the boundary is important to them”.

That’s where you fall.

Boundaries are not about convincing other people to change and to comply.

It’s about what you want and need, and you going ahead and executing the consequence.

People often don’t want to do this because they’re too frightened of becoming an inconvenience to others.

I’m talking to you people pleasers and type A high achievers.

Boundaries are meant to be bridges to relationships:

1. You WILL lose people by executing boundaries. But that’s ok - they weren’t your people anyway.
2. You WILL keep those people who are designed for you.  

Boundaries are a litmus test to your relationships.

Transcript

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Welcome to the Relationship Success Lab, the place for relationship empowerment and actionable tools so you can heal from trauma bonding and create secure loving relationships. I'm Dr. Sarah Award-winning expert clinical psychologists and co consultants, helping high achievers to have happy and healthy relationships. Hi, Dr. Sarah here, clinical psychologist helping high achievers to heal from toxic relationships and to build self-confidence. So let's get into it, because today we are going to be talking about how boundaries are necessary for any relationship. And actually boundaries do not create barriers, but they create bridges to your relationship. And I also want to dispel some myths and some misconceptions and inaccurate messages that are out here on social media because. So many people talk about boundaries and essentially people say boundary is a no, which it can be. Sure, but there's variable explanation and many people talk about boundaries as if they are hardcore on it, as if it is something that is absolutely yes or no, and there is no shade in between. Like there's no gray, and they speak about it as if it's so black and white. Whereas ultimately boundaries are far more complex than that. Because if they were that easy, then no one would ever have an issue with them. But guess what? People have issues implementing boundaries, and they also have issues perceiving boundaries and feeling like they've got a boundary in place. So let's dive in. What on earth is a boundary? Well, a boundary is ultimately to suggest that I am wanting to self preserve. I want to self attend, and I want to recognize and identify and decipher who it is that I can have. Closeness with whilst I am self attending. That is it. It is the ultimate message of I want to be close to you without self abandonment. That is what a boundary is. It is how we are able to maintain closeness and maintain proximity without destroying ourselves in the process, but people who are anxiously attached and avoidantly attached. In very different ways, though. They really struggle with boundaries, so people who are anxiously attached. Often the way that we execute boundaries is that we have none, huh? We're likely to negotiate with our boundaries so easily, and if we're pushed enough or if we feel anxious enough, our boundaries are going to be horizontal. We are not going to have any boundary at all. And we're able to move our boundaries so easily just based on any form of fear. So what that looks like is I might have a boundary where I say, okay, generally speaking, I want to be respected. And that is my boundary. It is respect. So if I am disrespected. I'm going to say no to it somehow. Right? And, and, and this, this is what I mean by social media being really awful in how it is describing boundaries. Because it talks about respect as a boundary, but it doesn't really clarify what that would look like for someone who is struggling with that or how they would implement it or the different types of situations involved. But let's talk about respect, just as an example, and if you are anxiously attached. You might cognitively immensely recognize respect is really important and no, I should not negotiate on respect. And yes, respect should be mandatory in any relationship. Yes, I mentally understand that respect is a two-way street. So if I'm going to respect my partner, my friends, my family members, they should respect me to, however, however, what ends up happening. Is, let's say the person who's anxiously attached, they start dating somebody or they're in a relationship with somebody, or it could be a friend, it could be anybody. Their need for reassurance, their need for approval, their need to know that they are good enough in somebody else's eyes. Is huge. It is far more powerful than any boundary that they're willing to implement. So even though mentally they recognize I have got this boundary where I need respect, and respect is super important, mentally, they recognize that. But emotionally, they are craving approval. They are craving closeness. They are fearing. Rejection, and it's that fear of rejection that stops them from implementing a boundary. It stops them from saying, Hey, what you said was really disrespectful, and if it happens again, I'm going to have to walk away from this relationship. Are you telling me that I'm not enough for you, for you to respect me? Because if that's the case, I don't know how this relationship is going to continue. And the thing is, is that even though that, that's a perfectly good statement, and that is how you would execute a boundary with somebody who's disrespecting you, and let's say respect is one of the core components and core values that you possess, then it would be very, very hard for somebody who's anxiously attached to be able to express that because they're so frightened. Mentally, they recognize the boundary and the importance of it, but emotionally, that's the thing that has really got control over the steering wheel. Emotions are really dictating the show and the emotions are really driving them to bend over backwards. And so for an anxiously attached person, what they might then start to do is they start to negotiate with the individual in front of them to say, Hey. That, that felt a little bit uncomfortable. I mean, you know, may maybe if you, maybe if you don't do that, or maybe if you, you know, maybe if you just like send me a message that's a bit nicer and, you know, it's, it's almost like they're trying to negotiate with the boundary and they're almost trying to negotiate with the person in front of them to treat them differently. They're asking the other person in front of them to say, Hey, can you please see me? And I'm a bit scared to say this and I really hope you don't hate me for. Putting in this boundary or for saying that I'm upset, but you know, like it's okay and, and you can hear the anxiety, you can hear the uncertainty and my voice when I'm talking about that from that standpoint. But this is how it gets birthed. And for other people who are anxiously attached, they wouldn't even go that far. They would say, oh, well if I got disrespected, it's because, oh my goodness, that's evidence that I'm not good enough. That's evidence. That I am not worthy enough in their eyes, and so I better step up. I better work harder. I better do more, be more, give more. I better be all the mores and all the shoulds. I should look better. Maybe I should be more intelligent. Maybe I should offer them. A gift. Maybe I should shut my mouth next time. Maybe I should just make sure that they're happy with whatever it is that is going on, whatever it is that they need. And so I enter people pleasing mode and I enter achievement mode where I'm trying to do more and give more just so that hopefully I can be okay in their eyes. And if I do all of that stuff, then maybe they'll respect me. Maybe it's okay. The boundary will work after all. But that's backwards. So the difference between somebody who's anxiously attached and securely attached when they're implementing a boundary is that anxiously attached. People believe that if their boundary is being disrespected, that they are fundamentally flawed, that their boundary is incorrect because they are not worthy enough of having a boundary, whereas people who are securely attached. They are so grounded in their own sense of worth that if somebody disrespects their boundary, they recognize that the issue isn't with the boundary and it's not with their worth. But the issue is that the other person does not respect their worth. The other person does not see them as being valuable enough, as being enough in general for them to have their needs met. And so it's not a problem with their needs. Because they are worthy enough to have their needs met. The problem is the other individual and the connection and the relationship that they're having with the other individual. So that's really where it's flawed. And when we talk about different attachment styles, it's really important to recognize that boundaries are not straightforward because people who are anxiously attached, they are going to bend over backwards. They're going to negotiate, they are going to. They are just going to get rid of any possible boundary that they may have in order to keep other people close. People who are securely attached, not so much. They are more likely to hold onto their boundaries, even if it means that other people have to be parted with, but they are going to hold onto their boundary because they know that their own sense of self. It deserves that boundary. They feel it. They don't just emotionally and logically understand that boundaries are important, but they feel the importance of the boundary and the securely attached individual recognizes, well, no, I do want closeness. It's not that I want to be on my own forever. It's not that I want to create all of these barriers with everybody. I do want closeness, but not the expense of self abandonment. And that is huge. Whereas let's talk about avoidantly attached people. People who are really trying to keep other people at a distance and arms length. They're really scared of proximity of closeness because they're worried that if they do expose themselves or if they have any form of vulnerability that comes out. They will be heavily injured. So the way they deal with that, so their coping mechanisms it were was, is to be dominance, is to maybe have an aggressive tone sometimes, but ultimately it is to keep a distance from everybody. Those people hold boundaries as if they are everything and they can be hyper rigid with their boundaries. There is no scope of negotiation, but it is. So skewed the other way compared with anxiously attached people, so anxiously attached people, they're willing to give up any kind of boundary, whereas Avoidantly attach people way on the other end of the spectrum. They are so, so rigid with their boundary that. They shut down anyone else that they push away. Everybody else that they do create barriers, but there's the difference. They don't create boundaries. They create barriers. And the barrier is because they are not wanting proximity. They are fearing proximity. They're fearing closeness. So even though a part of them, just the human basic element of them feels. The need for closeness. They are so overwhelmed with how scary closeness is and how dangerous closeness is that they push it away so much. So they end up really quietly, or sometimes, sadly, particularly if you've got an autistic traits in that. But ultimately they push other people away. They just do not want any form of closeness because. They're too scared of being hurt, and so they create barriers, not necessarily what healthy boundaries look like. And so I really want you, and I urge you to think about boundaries a bit more comprehensively, particularly when you're seeing all these posts on social media that say boundary is a line, you stick to it. That's it. Because first off, for people who are anxiously attached, for people who are really struggling with their own sense of self-worth. It's not as easy as that because they really do crave reassurance. They need reassurance. They need love and affection just the way that they are. They need to be able to witness that, but they struggle to witness that. So boundaries, they're very hard to implement. Whereas people who are avoidantly attached, well, it gives them permission to create more barriers. And people who are unsure and who listen a lot to these messages. Well, guess what? You might not be implementing a boundary in a healthy sense, but you might be creating barriers between you and other people. So it becomes a incredibly challenging, but here's a message particularly for people who are. Let's say anxiously attached because I think that's most of the population who listen into this, but for people who are anxiously attached, I want you to recognize that your implementation of the boundary isn't you being an inconvenience because your boundary is only an inconvenience to people who would've wanted to take advantage of you. I'm gonna say this again. Your implementation of a boundary is only an inconvenience to those who were wanting to take advantage of you. So the people who never wanted to take advantage of you, the people who thought and believed, and feel that you are good enough just the way that you are, and that you don't have to perform, you don't have to do anything because they love you just as you come. Any boundary that you implement that is not going to be an inconvenience to them because they accept you just the way that you are. You are not having to prove anything. If you say that you are not happy with something, okay, great. We can change, we can discuss that. We can be sure that we're creating a healthy dynamic. But the thing is, is that anxiously attach people unfortunately because. You are fearing rejection so much because you are relentlessly trying to prove that you are good enough. In a world where you feel like you can never be good enough because you are so geared to people pleasing, unfortunately what ends up happening is that you end up entering these dynamics, these situations with other people that make you question your worth even more. They. Push you even more. They do take advantage of you because you are so willing to give. And if you are creating this dynamic where you are constantly people pleasing, where you're constantly making sure that everybody else under the sun is prioritized except for you, if you are doing that. Then the people who want to be priority, they're going to take priority and they're going to come rushing towards you. You are going to magnetize them, and they will take priority because you're so willing to give priority away. And those people, they're the ones who are going to be pushing your boundaries. They're the ones who are going to be creating cracks in your boundaries and really expanding those cracks. And if you are really unsure about boundaries, if you are really unsure about how good enough you are in order to have a boundary, well those cracks are just going to be smashed up. Right? And, and, and your boundaries are going to fall. Because it's very hard to stay strong to that if you don't really believe that you are good enough to have those boundaries. If you believe that other people somehow know better, if you believe that other people somehow are more important. And so whatever it is that they want, that they need, that goes first before you. And even though I'm talking about beliefs here, these aren't necessarily logical beliefs or conscious beliefs.'cause consciously you might understand. Everybody's equal, but emotionally that's a different story. If emotionally you feel and if your core beliefs, your subconscious beliefs are around other people being more important, somehow, that's the thing that runs the show. And so really we need to be able to change that. And it all boils down to your self worth. It all boils down to your relationship with yourself. And how much it is that you are wanting to self preserve, how much it is that you believe that you are deserving of that preservation. And that's really the starting point. And this is the thing that we work on day in and day out in clinic. And it's, it, it's so, so crucial for people. It is so transformative. And I urge you if anybody is struggling with this, please see how it is that you can get support because you don't want to be living the rest of your life. Bending over backwards for the people who might not even recognize how much you are sacrificing, how much you are suffering. And the suffer is real. The sacrifice is real. But life is too short to carry on living like that. Actually, it's important for you to be able to recognize your own being while you are here and spend more of your days being happier and feeling more fulfilled, and feeling more grounded and stable than not. And finally. If you liked any of what we spoke about today, please like and subscribe and share it with a friend or a family member because if you found it helpful, I bet you that one of them will do too, and most importantly, take care of yourselves. Until next time, see you on the other side.