Do You Love His Vulnerability Or The Real Him?

Have you ever met a man, seen his pain, and felt an almost magnetic pull to care for him?

At first, it feels beautiful—he’s open, vulnerable, letting you in. You feel special, chosen. But here’s the hard truth: if you find yourself falling for his wounds more than for who he truly is, you may already be stepping into the rescuer’s trap.

In this episode, I’m talking to you about:
✅ How to tell if you’re loving him—or just his vulnerability
✅ The subtle difference between caring and caregiving
✅ Why rescuing erodes intimacy (and leaves you feeling unseen)
✅ What it really looks like to support without “saving”

If you’ve ever wondered why your relationships feel heavy, unbalanced, or one-sided, this episode could change the way you love.

Transcript

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Hello, and welcome to today's episode. If you don't know who I am, I'm Dr. Sarah Award-winning psychologist, helping high achieving women and harmful relationship patterns and grow self-worth. Let's get to it. Why is being his rescuer. Will actually break you. And this topic was very much inspired by clients that I work with, but particularly this conversation that I had recently with one of the women that I support and. She was in this relationship. It was just fresh. And she said to me, oh, I see so much vulnerability in him. And she was phrasing it in such a way that she felt was peaceful, that was magical, that he is so connected to his emotions. Oh, isn't it wonderful? He's so mindful of how it is that he's feeling and he's sharing it, and he's so open, and I just feel so connected and. I just paused her for a moment and said, oh, he's showing you his vulnerability. Tell me about that. And when we were digging deeper, she was talking about different stories that he shared. And by the way, this is not at all bashing men because you know, men experience vulnerability just as much as everybody else, but she'd only been starting to date this guy very. Recently and all of a sudden there was so many different things that were coming up to the surface where he was very much pulling onto her heartstrings and she felt this urge to care for him, to rescue him, to love him harder, to hold him all parts of him. And it was through his vulnerability that she started to fall deeper and deeper. Into this guy, and she was saying, I'm, I'm falling for this guy. I'm loving this guy. And I was asking her, well, are you loving him because of his vulnerability? Because if you are, then actually you are wanting to care for his vulnerability. Or do you love him as an independent human being, as if you were watching him on a TV screen? If he had nothing to do with you, if you had nothing to do with him, would you still love him in the same way? If he was someone you were completely distant from, would you love his values? Would you love his characteristic? Would you love how he approaches life? How he approaches other people, how he holds himself, how he has conversations, how he deals with the hard stuff. Would you still love all of those things or are you drawn in because you see this hurt side of him, this vulnerable side that really wants care and. It pulls on the fact that you're a carer, that you're a people pleaser, that you are a rescuer. And in that moment she stopped, she paused, and it was really fascinating to see this. And as much as I'm talking about this one particular client, this is something that I see time and time again. And if you've ever met a man and met his pain and you've felt the pull to help him heal, you know, that can be incredibly noble and that can be incredibly feminine. And as women, we get geared from such young age, even from, you know, from a genetic standpoint, even from a generational standpoint. Women have been geared to look after the man. We have been geared to be moms and to hold the man in a very momish way, even though we're talking about a partner here, but we are geared to provide that nurture, that care, that love, that feminine energy to keep the man going, right? So we step into our feminine energy and hopefully that will enable the man to step into his masculine energy. But. There is a trap. The trap is the rescuers' role trap, and so we're really going to be unpacking how this is really costing you true love and also the relationship that you are trying to build. Now, the first point is really about the all law of the role and. Women are often drawn to men who show vulnerability because first of all, it elicits that side of us that are, that is geared to care anyway. But also, there is something about seeing that vulnerability that makes us feel really special. We feel honored that they have. Opened up the door for us and that we are able to step into their world. We feel honored that they are sharing something so personal with us that they might not necessarily share with other people. And in that moment, we feel special. You feel like you are the chosen one compared with anyone else. And if you are the chosen one, well guess what? There is a hope for you to be the chosen one to also fix him, and in that moment. Especially if you are a woman who has grown up with very conditional beliefs as to how you would be good enough in order to be loved. If you are somebody who has grown up with these conditions that you have had to provide, you've had to give, you've had to love, you've had to nurture, you've had to do all of these things in order to receive attention, in order to receive connection, in order to be seen as special. And all of a sudden you've got a man here who is showing you his vulnerability, and by that very virtue, that means that you are special, you are the chosen one, and he's wanting you to care for him and and wanting to have that bond with you. Then why would you not be drawn in? It taps into your conditional beliefs anyway in terms of what a relationship looks like, but it also pulls you in to being. Admired being desirable, being more desirable, and also feeling like you are loved just the way that you are. And this actually taps into a subconscious belief in a lot of people in that if I love him enough. Perhaps you'll rise. And there is a lot of talk out there in terms of masculine and feminine energy. And the story goes that the more that you are able to step into your feminine energy and to provide that care, that nurture. The more that you support him in being in his masculine energy and if he's in his masculine energy, well, he can protect you. He can provide, he can be that carer as well, and he'll give you care in different ways. But what a useful story that would be. Right? And not only that, it taps into the subconscious belief that if I love him enough, then he will also be fixed. And. He will be eternally grateful for me. And so what happens is that we enter this realm where we are constantly giving and nurturing in the hope that we then enter unconditional love. Just like a mom would nurture their child, uh, mom is constantly giving and loving her child unconditionally. And we do that in the hope that the child will also love us unconditionally back. And the same principle applies in a relationship. We are hoping that the more that we love that partner unconditionally, the more that they will love us in return unconditionally. And so we are constantly investing and hoping that the reward will be just as much as what we are investing, if not more so, but. Really what happens is that this early dynamic of compassion, we believe that this compassion is connection, whereas really it's compassion for their vulnerability, not necessarily connection for who that individual is. Like I was saying about my client, I was asking her, do you have love for his vulnerability? So do you have compassion for his vulnerability and his injury or do you love him? Just if you saw him. On a TV screen and you couldn't connect with him. If you couldn't reach out to him, if you couldn't have any contact with him, would you still love him in the same way? And if so, well then, okay, great. Then it is a connection because actually if you are able to have that level of love for somebody, even if you had no contact with that person, then it shows that you love their character. You love how they handle life, you love how they approach everything. You love their values and their traits. And that enables connection. But actually, if you just have love for his vulnerability, then that's really compassion. And don't get me wrong, compassion is lovely, but if that's it, we're really entering caregiving mode, rescuing mode, as opposed to partnership mode. And so here's the hidden cost. When the nurture turns into fixing. When we are constantly nurturing and we are providing. Uh, we can delude ourselves into believing that actually we're not fixing, but we're just helping. Right. And what is a partnership about? If you can't help your partner, if you can't support them in every single way and. Here's the difference, and it might seem like a subtle one, but it's actually really important. There is a difference between being caring and being a caregiver. Being caring with a partner is to say, you know what? I see you suffering. I'm here for you. I'm holding your hand, and I am going to stand beside you and let's look at the landscape together, and I might signpost you. So if I believe that you need support. I'll point and I'll say, Hey, maybe that thing will be supportive to you. And I'm assisting in that way, but there is care there. Caregiving is different. Caregiving is when I put on that superhero cape and I swoop up my partner and off into the sky. I go. And in that moment I am really fixing them. I, I'm really taking leadership and I am really running with it. And. It's because I may believe that I know best, and maybe I do, I don't know. But in that moment, what's actually happening is that I am becoming a caregiver. It's like a parent to a child and a parent to a child. The parent always ends up taking control and leading the way and knowing what's best, and the child just follows suit. But guess what? In that moment, you then end up trading partnership for parenthood, and that emotional labor becomes one-sided, and the attraction fades because you are no longer equal. You are. They're mom essentially, and they become your child and that becomes really, really unhealthy. And by the way, uh, I know I'm talking about mom, child, but actually depending on your sex, it could be the other way around as well. Right. But you are essentially swapping partnership. For parenthood and no intimate relationship should be like that because if you are entering that realm, you are actually going to create a power imbalance. You are going to be creating a control imbalance. You are going to be creating a lot of resentment, and there is going to be a growing distance between you both. So how do you respond to male vulnerability? Well. There's a skill between distinguishing what is healthy vulnerability and what is victimhood. So healthy vulnerability is when the person is able to own it and they are working on it. And I remember a while back I saw this meme that said, Hey. Show me how long your therapy bill is when you're on a date with somebody. And I thought that was a really good one, right? Because the longer the therapy per the therapy bill is, the more the person has worked on themselves, and actually the more that aware they are of what is going on. And so they recognize their vulnerability, but they're also taking action towards it compared with victimhood. Victimhood being, when that individual leans on you to carry them, they are actually really reluctant to get to any independent help, any independent support, whether it be therapy coaching. They're really reluctant to go down that path because they believe that it will be magical with you that actually the only thing that they ever need is you. And if that's the case, they are actually entering victimhood because. They're painting you as a rescuer. They're painting you as the person who has all the answers, who knows it all, who is able to really give them and fulfill every single one of their needs. And if that's the case, as much as it feels very romantic and very beautiful, and it puts you in a position of admiration and you being the desired one. You being the chosen one, and who wouldn't wanna be the chosen one, right? Especially if you have. Always wanted reassurance from your partner and you are anxiously attached, but if you are in that moment, then you are going to be attracted to it. But actually that's really when they are in their victimhood. So you are really needing to enter The realm of supporting and not saving, supporting is literally when you are a carer. When you are caring as opposed to when you are being a caregiver. So when you are literally holding that person's hand and you are looking at the landscape and you are encouraging them to seek out different. Opportunities, different options in terms of what would be supportive to them, but you are not saving them. It is not you that is carrying them through this. So you are not substituting their own growth. And with that, you are going to have to tolerate. Not being the chosen one. You are going to have to recognize that you are not the fixer, that you do not have all the answers. Even if you think that you do, that's okay, but you sidestep that and you have to recognize and tolerate that you are not the chosen one. But actually they need to grow independently. And here's the other thing that you are going to have to tolerate, which most people struggle with when people grow. People really struggle with this idea of if you are growing and I don't know about it, or if you are going to therapy or coaching or something else and you are receiving support and care from somewhere else, and I'm not fully involved, I get really frightened that maybe we're going to end up growing apart. Maybe you are not going to want me, maybe I'm not going to be needed to you anymore. And that in itself highlights. If you're in that position, there is a lot of codependency because you are in a relationship where you are depending on them to need you. And again, that is a really unhealthy dynamic that actually if you are wanting to step up, if you're wanting to enter a secure adult relationship, you also have to enter it with the willingness. And recognition of the risk that sure, you might grow apart, but that's okay because it shows that you are fundamentally not compatible for one another. And that's okay. That's not a bad thing. You've learn something great there because it's a lesson learned for you to move forward with. Information and knowledge as to who you would be compatible with, what it is that you would be wanting, but you would still have to tolerate that knowingness, that you are not going to be the person to rescue them. You are not the chosen one. And so true intimacy only ever exists when both people show up as whole individuals. So it would be necessary for them to be able to do the work independently, and it's not to say that they can never be vulnerable or you can never be vulnerable. Of course, you both can be vulnerable in different ways. But there is a difference between when you own it, you recognize it and you are taking actions around it, versus when you are just leaning on your partner to put on their cape and really carry you through this. So. We really need to stop rescuing by holding the boundaries. And by the way, the boundary is not up to your partner to hold for you. It's not up to your partner to respect. It'd be nice if they did it. But it's actually up to you to execute. So the boundary is yours in recognizing actually, am I going to rescue or am I going to put a stop to this? Am I going to recognize every single time that I feel the urge to rescue, put a pause and recognize, hey, this would be stunting their growth. And it would also be stunting our growth together. And then asking yourself, how is it that I am really supporting his healing? So. How is it that I can encourage him versus how is it that I am doing it for him? If you are doing it for them, then you are entering rescuing mode, so. I would really encourage you to consider what trait and what belief, what is it inside of you, the emotion, the thought that pulls you into rescuing. Because the more that you understand that, the more that you then start to understand that actually you may need to change and reprogram and rewire some of those core beliefs that are operating inside of you so that you can let go of those old wounds and you can start really creating a healthier relationship dynamic for yourself and for every single relationship that you encounter. I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. If you are wanting to get in touch, please do, and if you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend or a family member because if you found it helpful, I bet you that one of them will do too. Until next time, take care.