Trauma Bond: The 7 Stages and Healing Insights

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Hello my friends. So good to have you back here. If you dunno who I am. I am Dr. Sarah Award-winning relationship psychologist helping high achieving amazing women. Have secure, loving, lasting relationships. So let's get to it. Today I'm going to be talking about the trauma bond cycle, and I think this is incredibly important for us to know. Because I have met so many people time and time again who have really struggled with relationships. They have either identified themselves as anxiously attached, fearful avoidant. They have had some sort of insecurity that has stemmed from their childhood, from their past, but all of a sudden they find themselves in these really challenging and really painful relationship dynamics, and all they're wanting is to be loved. All they're wanting is their happy ever after. They want a family. They want to have children. They want to just be happy and essentially be loved the way that they are. And guess what? You end up working so hard to have that love. But it feels like it's just too far away. It feels like you end up getting criticized more than you get affection and love from your partner. The thing that you've been working so hard for, and the reason why I'm here to talk to you about the trauma bond cycle is because it's a cycle that so many of us go through without necessarily knowing about it. We are not very conscious of it. But it is a real thing. So if you have ever found yourself really struggling, fighting so hard to be loved, but at the same time you feel like you are dropped and you end up feeling really anxious and you're awake at night panicking. Praying that somebody is going to love you just as much as you've given them. This is for you, and this is really an episode to help you see that you are not crazy, that actually your pain is valid, that it is a real thing, and also what steps you can take for you to really come out of it so that you can be at your healthiest self. Now there are seven stages to the trauma bond cycle and just overall, what a trauma bond cycle is, is when we have both love and tragedy at the same time in a relationship. And we can have a trauma bond with another human being, but also we can have a trauma bond with other parts of our life. So for example, I could be trauma bonded. Two, my relentless attitude towards work, for example. Or it could be, um, that I'm trauma bonded to an object. So there's a lot of love, but then there's also a lot of tragedy. So some people have this when it comes to. Uh, substance misuse or addiction. It could be towards a human being. It could be towards possessions, towards money. It could be towards career path. It could be towards a number of different things. But today we're really gonna be talking about the relationship with another human being and how that can be trauma bonded. So, seven steps. What are they? The first step is about the love bombing phase. Now this is when we. Meet somebody and there is instant connection where we feel there is unbelievable chemistry. We desperately want that person and they just seem so magical. They seem so incredible. They seem to fit every single part of our desires. They are essentially the person that we have been longing for. Even when we didn't realize that we were longing for these parts, but somehow this person just seems to fit the be. They seem to be absolutely perfect. And often how people describe this phase is that it's so magical, it's so beautiful, it's so electric. And when people actually talk about this, it's really interesting because when you ask and when I've asked clients, well, what is it that you like about this person? They'll say certain qualities that aren't. You know, they're, they're not out of the realm of norm. So, for example, they might say, oh, well they're really funny and they're really kind and they're generous and you know, they, they're really smart. And guess what? A lot of other people possess those qualities. Uh, but somehow this particular individual seems to be magical outta everybody else. So really it's like a Hollywood romance where everything just seems to be perfect. Uh, even though we're on the third date, we're declaring love for one another and we believe that we are going to be living the distance. We are thinking about where we're going to live together, whether or not we're going to have kids together, what is going to happen? So all of a sudden, in a very short space of time, we have already lived out the next 10 years of our life. Now comes stage two. That is trust and dependency. That's really when your lives become intertwined. What is mine is yours, and vice versa. I've met all of your friends. You've met all of my friends, and everything is integrated. It's essentially you living with me, even though objectively it's not been very long at all. And so we might actually start spli, um, sharing household bills with one another. We might start doing the grownup thing. The thing that in any normal secure relationship that would take maybe a couple of years to do, we have already established it in a couple of months, and so things get. Really, really involved and we are literally living out the dream. And we do this, we move so quickly through these phases because everything just seems to be perfect. Somehow we are not able to pause. We're not able to slow down because it just feels so good and I would argue potentially too good to be true and therefore it is not true. And here is where we enter stage three, the criticism. And this can feel really, really uncomfortable. It can feel really awkward, and it doesn't quite make sense. It's almost like a glitch in the matrix that we then end up ignoring. So when we have developed a lot of trust and dependency, which is stage two, we believe everything that our partner says, we trust them fully. We've shared our entire being with that individual. And we believe we are fully seen as we are the good and the bad in that moment. And because we have had so much love, so much expression, so much intensity with that individual, we then see them as. All knowing of us. We trust them fully. And when stage three comes about, there is this element of criticism and it starts, it might seem a little bit subtle. So for example, it might be something like, oh, did you not do your hair today? Right. And so it might just kind of prompt us to do our hair, but actually it then starts to extend further and further as time goes on. It might be like, oh, have you thought about losing weight because you know you're a little bit chubby, or, oh, I dunno, why you just can't look like this other person because this other person's really attractive. And you know what? Like, yeah, you're nice and everything, but if you look like this person, then you are definitely a 10 outta 10. All of a sudden what happens in those moments where there is criticism? We don't necessarily see it as punitive criticism. We don't necessarily see it as bad or something that we should move away from, but we actually end up viewing it as feedback, as helpful advice on some level. And we view it as helpful advice potentially because they phrased it in that way, saying, Hey, you know what? I just wanna help you out, and it'd be helping you out to lose a bit of weight. Or it could be that we see it as advice, so that we can maintain the love of our life, we can maintain that relationship. And my goodness, we have worked so hard to be seen, to be loved. And here is somebody who has shown us a lot of love. We've developed our trust, a lot of dependency on them, and they're giving us this feedback, so why would we not believe them? And so we take this on board. But here's the catch and here's why incredibly intelligent people also get caught up in a trauma wand is that when you have worked exceptionally hard in life growing up as a child, perhaps towards your parents or school teachers or peers or whoever it is, if you've worked incredibly hard. To be seen, to be accepted, to be valued, to be appreciated, to be loved, and you've had to give and give and give for them to even pay attention to you. And then all of a sudden you've got here this other individual, as an adult who got this other person who is saying, you know what? I see you and I love you, but I also see your flaws. Then it's a very difficult dynamic because in that moment. You've already been conditioned through upbringing that you are flawed and you have to work incredibly hard for you to be accepted. And this person during adulthood relationships says, yeah, I see your flaws, and this is how you have to work hard to overcome these flaws. So this person in adulthood, even though they're commenting on your flaws, and technically it's a criticism. But actually you view that criticism as, oh wow, this person really does see me because I know I've got flaws and they're talking about my flaws. Therefore, they must really see me and because they see me for my flaws, and they also say that this is what I could do to be loved, well then they definitely do love me in that way. And that's simply because it fits in with my previous conditioning. If my previous conditioning said, Hey, you are flawed. You have to work really hard to be loved and to be accepted, and all of a sudden in adulthood you've got this person saying, Hey, you're really flawed and you have to work this hard in order for me to accept and love you. Well, then it just matches the story that we have been living throughout our life. And so. We believe that it's a perfect fit. We believe that this person truly sees us for who we are. Whereas let's say, for example, if we entered another relationship where it was securely attached, the person was kind, they were thoughtful, they were. Not as intense. They gave feedback instead of criticism. Potentially. We wouldn't necessarily feel the same. We wouldn't have that level of intensity or that spark. We wouldn't feel like they truly saw us because they don't tell us our flaws. They don't criticize us. For the parts of us that we believe should be criticized. So this is the reason why a trauma bond is this perfect match that just encompasses all of our parts. Okay. Stage number four, that is manipulation. And within manipulation, that is a lot of gas lighting. So if you don't know what gas lighting is, gas lighting is not just lying, but it is actually changing your perception of reality and making you question your own perception of reality. So if you are with your partner, you go out, you see them checking out somebody else. And you comment on it. Gas citing would be, oh, no, I didn't. That's totally in your own head. What are you talking about? In fact, I saw you looking at someone else, but did I say anything? No, I didn't. And all of a sudden the tables are turned. And by the way, it doesn't have to be when there are flirtatious activities, but it could even be with other things. So for example, well, I. Did all of the housework. I did the cooking, I did the cleaning, I did the washing up, I folded up all your laundry, and I, uh, did a, b and CI took you to work and I did all of this. Well, what, what do you think like is, is the, well, I mean, like what, do you think that that's a big deal? Well, no, of course. Like that's a big bare minimum. Hey, you think that you did stuff we'll, look at my stuff, and all of a sudden. We're shut down. We're not able to express any parts of ourselves, but also. We then, uh, start questioning our own reality. So if I did that list of effort towards my partner or towards the relationship and they shut it down, then I question, well, actually no. I, I, you know what? No, I really didn't do anything right. And they've done way, way, way more. And so within the manipulation phase, what actually happens is, is that. I overinflate their good qualities because they phrased it in such a way. So I overinflate, oh my goodness. Yes. They went to work and they paid for dinner and oh my goodness, that's amazing. That's way more than what I could ever do. Or even if I did pay for dinner, well actually them paying for dinner just has more value because, and you might not have an answer for why it's more value, but we, we just assume that to be true. And then what we end up doing is that we reduce our own value in terms of what it is that we're contributing towards the relationship because the other person has reduced it for us. So this is really the stage of manipulation and we don't really know the truth of the relationship, but our perception of reality essentially gets skewed and we start living in this fantasy world. Number five, resignation of control. Now, we have tried to negotiate. We've tried to express our needs. We've tried to say how we feel, but. We get shut down a lot and you've been shut down because of the criticism. You've been shut down because of the manipulation, because of the gas lighting. And so you end up at a position where you just throw your hands up in the air and you say, oh, you know what? I've tried everything and there is absolutely nothing left for me to give. And so you resign full control from their relationship. And your partner then ends up having a. Full control over your being, over how you feel, what you do. And so it's almost like even though you are there in body, mentally and emotionally, you have checked out and you've checked out partly to self preserve. And partly it's a defense mechanism because actually if you were there present, you would feel broken. But actually you've also checked out in order to maintain that relationship. Because essentially you have got a basic need to be loved, but also you've got a basic need to feel safe. And so you are there physically in human formats in the hope that you would be loved, but emotionally immensely you've checked out in order to be safe. So it's a real contradiction that you are living in, but then you enter stage six, stage six being loss of self. You lose yourself entirely. Into this relationship. You don't really know who you are anymore because you, your reality has been skewed. What you do, how you feel, what you think, your value system, everything has been questioned and you have been criticized every single step of the way. And it has been exhausting. And so the only way for you to have survived is if you let go of yourself. And this is really where the self abandonment comes in. And you don't necessarily see it as self abandonment because that's phrased in a really, uh, difficult way. But actually you see it more as well. I'm working really hard to preserve the relationship, and so the target is very different. The target is that the relationship weighs a hell of a lot more than my own being, and that's when it becomes really challenging and step. Seven or stage seven is really the addiction. The addiction to the cycle. Now, what happens from the love bombing phase all the way throughout the criticism, the manipulation, loss of control, and loss of self. Is you have two different things running in parallel. You've got the psychological pathway that runs to say, I have to work incredibly hard to be loved, but at some point I will be loved. And so you work really hard for the hope of being loved and you know it's coming. You are anticipating it's coming. So you are just on a hamster wheel, running, running, running to get that love. But from a physiological perspective, you are embroiled with oxytocin, so the bonding neurotransmitter, otherwise known as the love hormone and cortisol, and there is dopamine as well in the mix. So essentially you have got a whole heap of different hormones, both the love, the bonding hormones. As well as the stress hormones, the stress around being criticized around being manipulated around losing yourself. That happens in conjunction with dopamine as well. So dopamine gets released when we have a hit of excitement, but there also has to be chaos in the mix. And so with that concoction of different neurotransmitters, that actually also becomes really addictive. Because what happens is, is that we are constantly looking for the next dopamine hit. We are constantly looking for the next surge of feel-good hormones. We are constantly trying to escape the stress hormones, the cortisol, but. We have it with Association of love as well, and oxytocin, the bonding hormone. So, so what ends up happening is, is that on a physiological level, we actually start associating love with stress. And so if it's not stressful, we doubt if it's love, which sounds really weird when I talk about it like that, but that's essentially how the body then starts to register it. And so it has to be stressful for us to see it as being love. And if we experience love without stress or without chaos, we actually don't really feel like it's love. We check out of it. And that's why a lot of people, when they end a trauma bonded cycle. They kind of say, well actually I don't, you know, I don't really know if I'm interested in this person. They're a bit too boring, let's say, when they're going out on a date with someone who's stable, with someone who's securely attached with someone who does not have the chaos. Actually, they don't know if they're interested, and that's simply because they're not evoking the association between love and stress on physiological level. So. What do you do here? Well, first off, it's incredibly important for you to be aware of these stages, but awareness without doing something is pointless, right? So you have to be aware of these different stages. But actually something that I would heavily, heavily, heavily recommend people to do is to start breaking. Down every single stage. And by the way, when I'm talking about breaking down every single stage, I'm talking about it in how we break it down on different levels of our psyche. So understanding the stages just from a mental perspective, from a knowledge, or from an intellectual perspective. It's good, but it's definitely not enough. Actually, we need to start breaking it down from an emotional perspective, from a subconscious perspective and from a neurological perspective because those are the things that are constantly an operation that keep us hooked into problematic relationship dynamic. And there are so many different tools and techniques that we use, and they have created so much success for our clients. So if this is something that resonates with you, please get in touch and let's have a conversation about how it is that we can help you move forward. But ultimately, it is about how do we recalibrate ourselves and we need to have all parts of your humanness connected. So. Often I see people where they'll do a lot of reading and they'll do a lot of research and they'll listen to a lot of podcasts like this. And you know, I think knowledge is great, but at the same time, they're still caught up in the problem. So the knowledge is one thing, but actually connecting the head and the heart, that's a different matter because if your heart is in a diff difficult state, if your heart is still caught up in cycle. That's really what needs to be looked at. That's really what needs to change. So it's really about how do you disconnect that love and that stress from a physiological standpoint. How is it that you can start experiencing love without stress? I mean, what would that be like for you? How would you feel about that? How would that sit with you? Do you even think that's possible? Because believe me, it is possible, but you've never experienced it before. And actually you need that opportunity in order to really see what it would be like so that you can create a new circuit for yourself. And actually, what would it be like to rediscover yourself? And this is arguably one of the biggest issues that many of my clients come to me with, is. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost myself, and I just want to find myself again. And that is crucial because guess what? The longest relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. And so this is really the time for self discovery. If any of this has resonated with you, please share it with a friend or a family member because if you found it useful, I bet you that one of them will do too. And until next time, please take care of yourselves.