Why People Don't Empathize - and How To Communicate With Love

Transcript

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Hello. Hello, hello and welcome. So good to have you here. If you dunno who I am, I'm Dr. Sarah. Award-winning psychologist, helping high achieving incredible women have the best relationship of their lives. Let's get to it.'cause today we are talking about communication, and communication is a very important topic. It's something that we all talk about. We all talk about how important it is. But unfortunately we're not very good at it, and we end up losing our way. We try really hard to do the right things, and we know that communication's important, but somehow, sometimes things just escalate and they escalate really fast into an argument, and you end up in a situation where you either blow up. And things get incredibly challenging, incredibly fiery, and it feels like there's no win. Or you end up shutting down and you say absolutely nothing and you go quiet. And so then you end up feeling dismissed, like you can't express. And what you've got say just isn't good enough. Like there, there is no way and no. Possibility for you entering this conversation. So how do we communicate and how is it that we avoid these pitfalls? Now, I always love an an active approach, a proactive approach, because the more proactive we are, the more that we get to avoid the nitty gritty of the arguments. And actually, if you are proactive, you. Are taking ownership over communication. You are taking ownership over the relationship, the direction that you want it to go in, and essentially you are dictating how it is that you are going to express yourself. How it is that you're going to receive feedback, and what would be most nurturing, what would be most fulfilling for both of you? What is it that's going to be productive and supportive? As opposed to what is going to destroy you. So let's dive in and I've got a few concepts here that I would like to share with you and for you to really take it on board and really see how this would fit in with your life. The first one is this idea of partnership. And so ideally when you are looking at an issue that is going on between you and your partner, it is. Us versus the issue. Not me versus you, not you did this, I did this, and then the blame gets placed on one person or the other. But it's really about partnership. You and I are in partnership. We are a team, and we are a team looking at this issue, even if the issue feels like it's been elicited by somebody. So. For example, if your partner is spending a lot of time at work or a lot of time with their friends, and basically you've not seen them for a while, you don't know where they are some of the time, and you just feel like you've been left behind, you feel alone, and it's anxiety provoking, it's confusing, it's sad. You miss them. So in that moment, even though it might feel like that, the issue is them and them spending too much time away from you. Actually the issue is the separation. And both of you are in separation to one another. And so if you shift the mindset that you hold around this and you actually look at what the issue is as opposed to them being the issue or I'm the issue and, and, and we just let go of that messy, that ugly. Needy, horrible, uh, energy, but we simply look at what the issue is from a high level perspective. In that example, the issue would be separation, and so then you can approach it. As you know, I really want us to be on the same team because we are on the same team. We're in a partnership, and I feel really sad when we've not spent that much time together. And what a beautiful, soft introduction that would be to a very difficult conversation, to some very difficult emotions. Instead of approaching it with, you've not spent any time with me and you've been ignoring me. Do you not like me? I mean, there, there's clearly a very different tone there, right? Because, because on one end you are inviting your partner into a conversation where you are a team, you are partners. Whereas the other end of that example is that it's me versus you, and you are blaming your partner and you are attacking them as well. And so they end up feeling really attacked. So they've got nowhere else to go but to be defensive. Of course they'd be defensive because what else are they going to do? They have been attacked and it might be something that they're aware of. It might not be, uh. I dunno whether or not that really matters so much. But what does matter is how it is that you are going to approach this conversation in a way that they can hate you to lower their defenses so that they can really see where you are coming from, what's going on, and so they can really be in the same space as you. That's really what's important, so. First thing that I've just spoken about is this idea that it's us versus the issue, not me versus you. And when you've got that nailed, then. You grow in terms of empathy, in terms of trust, in terms of compassion, in terms of having this shared value system, and you can really be in support of one another. You are waving the other person's flag, but also that reduces any potential issue that you may have done that would contribute to the situation. So if you did introduce the conversation as, Hey, we're partners. I want us to be on the same team, and I feel really upset when we've not spent time together, the. Spending time together, that is the issue. And it's out there and we are on the same page. We're on the same side. Right. And, and that lowest defense. So, so that's the first thing. The second thing is how it is that we convey that message and it's really about I versus you statements. The moment that we enter a conversation. We need to start with an I. We need to start from a position where we are owning to our emotions and we are owning up to what we are experiencing. And we start off with I. So I feel sad that we've not spent time together. I feel sad when you come home late. I feel sad when you don't message me. Throughout the day, once you explain it, your position from a posi, from the statement of I am, or I feel I have the moment that you place yourself in that experience, then you are taking ownership over that emotion. And that's really important because for your partner to hear you saying, I feel sad. That's a lot easier for them to hear. That's a lot more palatable for them to hear. And if we're going to be entering some difficult conversation, we need to enter it. By designing the conversation in such a way that it is easy for our partner to hear us out, we do not want to enter a conversation where we are already going to go in with a potential attack or a potential, uh, spiteful comment or something that might be a dig at our partner. We do, we don't want to enter a difficult conversation with negativity already. That would simply just make it a lot more difficult to engage in, right? Because then your partner is naturally going to want to defend. They are naturally going to feel on the attack and they have nowhere else to go. Right? And in that moment you, it is slightly too far gone already. You've, you've already lost. So to say something such as, I feel really sad when you come back home late, that's really different compared with you always come back home late. Right? Because the moment that we place them as them being the cause of the issue. Then it gives'em a window to have to defend themselves. And this is a process that happens literally. So it's down to a neurological process really, because in that moment they would perceive psychological threat and emotional threat, and. Their brain would operate far faster than their conscious mind could ever keep up with. And so their brain would immediately go into fight or flight mode, which would immediately put them into defense mode or attack mode. And so you will not be able to have a productive conversation with that. So the the it, it's really you gearing up and setting up the conversation in such a way that it is palatable for them to hear. And so if they hear how you are feeling. Well, nobody can argue with your feeling. Your feeling is accurate. Your feeling is true, but if you are placing blame or if you are labeling their behavior. Then that is up for debate, right? And, and they will debate it because that becomes a lot harder to really untangle. And so then you enter this realm of, well, you are perceiving me coming back home late, but actually I do everything that I possibly can do and I spend time with you and X, Y, and z. And so, and, and so then you are, you are really entering a very messy dynamic that just feels very circular. So please, when you are entering these conversations, use. I statements instead of you and the temptation to enter the statement is very great, but please rehearse this before you even enter. Okay, number three. We are talking about the difference between feedback and criticism, and this might be subtle, but it is essential for us to know. So feedback is very much geared on the objective behavior, whereas criticism is about the human being behind the behavior. So if you, uh, come across a situation with your partner and you're not particularly happy, it is far more important for you to talk about the specific behavior or the specific action that you are not happy with, as opposed to labeling their character, for example, if they have, um. Not come back home when they said that they would. Right. Okay. So let's say you plan to have dinner at six and actually they show up six 20. Now in that moment you might be really upset, so you would say, I feel really sad when we make plans and you are late. Okay, so that's fair. Uh, but then we need to actually attach the exact behavior. So it, so it would be, I feel really upset when you are late for, to have dinner together. Okay, so that's the thing. Whereas if you were to label their character, it would sound a little bit more like, well, you never hold me in mind. You don't care about me. Right. And or you know, you're so self-centered. You're so self-absorbed. Now that is very different because that would be criticism. And so you are being very generalized there and you are essentially attacking their character there as a whole. And even though you might feel like it, uh, you might feel that they don't care about you or you might worry that they don't care about you. That's actually your perception. So we have to be really, really clear on this because, um. Going into 0.4 in just a moment. But essentially whenever we're looking at a particular situation, and there is, there are two of you, there are many dynamics that are involved. So there's something that you bring to the table and there's something that they bring to the table, and then there's something that happens between you both and how it is that you both interpret the same exact situation. So. You may say something, but your partner hears it in a very different way, or they see something different and vice versa. Now, the difference there between what is actually there objectively and what it is that we perceive, that's really based on our personal bias and our paradigm. First to kind of simplify everything first, to not even enter that really messy realm, just so that we can really focus in on what the heck is going on here and how it is that we progress forward. We need to be prioritizing feedback over criticism. And so what I would highly suggest for anyone listening to you this is that when you are discussing things in partnership, you are giving feedback. Not criticism. So feedback would also be to say, I would really appreciate it if you left work early when we make dinner plans. Right? As opposed to, well clearly I'm not important to you and you don't care about me because then we enter a really challenging realm. And that is actually your perception of the situation, right? And, and your perception of the situation is going to be tinted. By your lens, by how it is that you view the world, how it is that you view yourself and past relationship experiences. And so then I come onto number four. Number four is really about your paradigms. The paradigm that you live with essentially dictates how it is that you view the world, how it is that you perceive your partner's behaviors and actions, their words, and how it is that you see yourself. So I want you to imagine this. If you were to wear a pair of blue glasses. And you've been wearing them for a while, you actually forget that you have been wearing these blue glasses. And if somebody else comes along and you are both looking at the same white wall and they ask you, Hey, what color is this wall? You are going to say blue because you've got blue glasses on, right? And let's say you've forgotten about the glasses. You just assume that it's, that it is accurate for what it is that you see. Now in that moment. What you are doing is you are seeing the world through your lens, but it's not to say necessarily that this is the objective truth, that this is the ultimate truth, and it's absolutely. Fundamental that we recognize the lens from which we see the world because we all have lenses. And we all have lenses simply because we have had a life history, right? We've lived before. We entered this relationship with this person, and so our lens may say something such as not good enough or not appreciated left behind. I don't matter. I have to work hard to earn love, or I have to prioritize other people. Other people are more important than me, so whatever it might be. But we all have lenses from which we see the world and, and that's just part of our vision. And so whenever we receive feedback, we are likely to be filtering it through with that lens. So even at times when we get feedback, for example, um. Uh, you were late to dinner for half an hour, and I was really upset by that. But let's say if I was carrying my lens or I was looking at the world through my lens, and my lens said, other people are more important than me, then guess what happens? I don't even take that as feedback, but I take that as criticism over my own essence, over who I am, that I was inadequate in that moment. And so with that inadequacy, what I end up doing is that I either. Fight, and I get into an argument with this person, with my partner, or I end up hiding and I end up suppressing and I end up overcompensating. So, so either way it becomes really challenging. So it's necessary for us to really be aware of what our glasses are, what, what is. The message on those lenses that we look through to see the world, to see our partnership, see our relationship, and also to see ourselves. Because the more aware we are of the lens or the potential lens, then we are aware of our bias. And it's not to say that we are completely removing that, um, although if you are wanting to remove it, that's. You know, I'm more than happy to help you walk that journey. It's something that I do often with clients and, and something that we do in our program, but essentially it is about how we view the world, what bias we have, and recognizing that we will have certain sensitivities. And so when we are aware of those sensitivities, then we can really pause and. Try to assess, is this my bias or is this objective feedback? And. Literally replay the situation, write it out if you have to as a transcript. But it's to, to see objectively what is happening. And so when we recognize that we're receiving feedback and not criticism, then we're able to adjust. And so for you to do this, you might want to take a break from the conversation. You might want to return back to it in a couple of hours. Uh, you might want to self-reflect journal, you might want to do some emotional regulation techniques, but. This process is essential because it will help you move forward and it will help you have happier and healthier conversations and relationship. If you like anything that we've spoken about today, please share this with a friend or a family member because I bet you one of them will find it useful too. And as always, if you are ever wanting or interested in any of the content that we've spoken about, get in touch. The link is in the show notes below. Until next time, take care of yourself.