Stop hitting your head against a brick wall: Speak to be heard

Transcript

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Welcome back, my friends. If you don't know who I am, I'm Dr. Sarah. Award-winning relationship psychologist, helping incredible women have healthy, happy, and secure relationships. Let's get started. What do you do when you can't get your point across When you have been trying to communicate and you are doing all the right things, but somehow it is just not working and you don't feel like you are being heard? You have spoken, you've talked, you've done. All the niceties you have done, all the understanding, all the explanations. You may have done it in a text, in a letter. You may have tried to make sure that they had enough time, enough space, whatever it is, but you feel like you have done all the right things to try and communicate, but somehow it just spirals out of control. And anytime you try to bring up something, it just ends up in a big, fat argument. What do you do? This is arguably one of the biggest concerns that I get asked about, and it is essentially an issue of communication, but it's also an issue of understanding. And, uh, later on I'll mention a little bit really with regards to whether or not you are truly compatible, but let's get started. So, what's happening? Well, first off, we need to understand that. You are not identical to your partner. You are never going to be identical to your partner. And if you wanted a relationship whereby there was never a disagreement where there was never an argument where things would just get done straight away whenever you asked about it or you know, things would just be okay all the time and it would be easy and you'd both be assertive in how you spoke and they would be full on understanding all the time. If that's what you're looking for, I hate to break it to you, but the likelihood of that happening is very, very small and. That's only because you are not the same as your partner. You've got different backgrounds, different history, different childhood, different upbringings. So you are going to have slightly different value system, different opinions, different beliefs, different everything. Right? And that's okay.'cause there's a lot of beauty in the differences and there's a lot of strength in the differences. And so we've got research even that shows that ni, that is 69% of the arguments that couples have. Are to do with problems that are just unsolvable. And it's not to say that you guys shouldn't be together, but it's actually to say that you have got different upbringings, you've got different opinions, different ways of being, different styles, different traits, different values, and that's okay. So it's really about how is it that we increase our capacity to hold the other person in mind and vice versa. How is it that we increase our capacity for understanding? For love, for compassion, for accepting the other person for their differences and them to accept us for our differences. That is really what it's about. So it's really about increasing our capacity to do so. And so the first rule of thumb, if you are able to do this, is that when you sense a disagreement that's going to come up, if you sense there is some kind of misalignment, something that doesn't quite fit right. And you are concerned about how it is that you go about this, the golden room, the first thing that you should be doing is asking, can you help me understand this? Can you help me understand this? I really want to understand you and I don't think I quite understand you, and I'm not being silly here. I'm not being like passive, I'm not being weird, I'm not being, uh, spiteful, but I just simply want to understand, can you please help me? And that is it. And if our partner is receptive to that statement, then actually it really would support us to get on the same page. Because I would ask them, can you help me understand because I'm struggling here. And if they hear that, if they're able to respond to that and, and explain their perspective, then you can ask, well, is it okay if you understand where I'm coming from? And actually, if you are asking them permission that they. Uh, can understand you. It would be very hard for them to say no. If you are asking, can you understand my position? Is it okay if I help you understand where I'm coming from? And if they say no to that, then we've got some serious issues and you know, we can deal with that another time. But in most cases. They would say yes, because actually they're wanting to move this relationship forward. They're wanting to have some sort of shared agreement, because that's the whole point of a relationship is that you do have some shared understanding. But here are the four horsemen that you need to be aware of. Now, the four horsemen is the, uh, four different communication styles that can be really, really harmful. And these were identified by the Gottman Institute, and I'm gonna outline them here because. The truth is, is that we all at some point or another engage in this. And the moment that we start engaging in this, that is when we are more likely to spiral. And if we engage in any of these communication styles I'm about to talk about, then we enter some really dangerous territory where we do risk the relationship ending. And here they are. The first one is criticism. That is really when we're blaming our partner, we're criticizing them for their attributes, for their traits, for their value system. And it might be something like you are lazy, right? That's not nice for anyone to hear, and it's not nice to say either, but that is criticism. Second one is contempt. Contempt is the sense of, I'm better than you or you are beneath me. Third is defense. When we are really not wanting to take accountability, we are avoiding anything around our own responsibility or our own contribution to the issue, and we are placing full blame on the other person. And for which is stonewalling. So essentially when you become a Stonewall and you either go into silent treatment mode or you avoid the subject entirely, you are not willing to discuss it to you any degree, and your partner just can't get any way forward with you with that. So. If we're engaging in any of these four, and by the way, we can cycle around this, then it becomes very, very difficult to get our way out because actually we enter this territory where we invite the other person to also engage in another negative communication style. So, for example, if I enter def uh, criticism, it is likely that my partner will enter defense, or they might enter stone balling. And if that happens, then after a little while, they might enter criticism, I'll enter defense, or I might enter contempt. So either way, it just becomes incredibly negative and incredibly toxic, and it's basically adding fuel to the fire. So the moment that I engage in it, then. I essentially invite my partner to also engage in it as well. Unless, unless if you are both aware of this. So let's talk about the different strategies. So strategy number one, which I've spoken about, which is simply asking, I'm struggling to understand. Can you please help me understand and I sincerely mean that. Okay. So that's number one. Number two is if you notice any of these four communication styles showing up. Before they ever show up, right? If arguments are a common occurrence in your relationship and both you and your partner are aware of it and you know that it's an issue that you're wanting to resolve, you both need to have an explicit agreement with one another. The agreement goes like this. I know that been arguing, and I know that we both want these arguments to stop. I know that we both want our communication style to improve. So are we both willing and able to call out any of these four if it comes from me or from you? So are we both willing and able to call out if there is criticism, defense, contempt, or stonewalling from either myself or you? Okay. So you both have to agree to that, and then you would also have to agree to. If this does get brought up, are we both willing and able to accept this as feedback to reflect on, okay, are we both willing and able to accept this as feedback to reflect on? And so you really need to be willing to accept that feedback and you have to both be in agreement to it because the moment that you make that agreement, the next time you enter an argument, if one person does flag it up. Then you both have to stop. And the moment that you both stop because you're reflecting on it and you're accepting that feedback, and there might be other feedback that's given, that is the moment when you are really able to pause and actually the situation in itself starts to diffuse. That is really in your power, and that is something that I would heavily encourage. Okay, so reviewing First things first. Asking to help you understand. Second thing is calling out the four horsemen and also making sure that you are able to receive that feedback as well. Both of you agree to that. And then the third one is really about understanding your own personal communication style. So in any relationship dynamic. Because you are not the same, because you've had different history, different background, different upbringing. One of you will be slightly more on the aggressive side and the other person will be slightly more on the passive side of communication. So in terms of communication styles, you've got aggressive. That's really when you are controlling domineering, you are really prioritizing yourself. Then there's passive. When you say yes, even though you really want to say no and you just go along to get along. Then there's assertive. Assertive is when you recognize everybody's needs and you are trying to find a middle ground of how everybody can get their needs met. And then there's passive aggressive, which is really a combination of the passive and the aggressive. So it's almost like you saying, sorry, but there you go. That's a good example. Um, and, and so really. The healthiest one is the assertive, and it would be amazing if we could always be in assertive mode, but that's not reality because we are all different. We've all had different upbringings. We've all had different lifestyles, different childhoods, different values, different belief systems from a conscious and subconscious level. And so what happens is that in any relationship dynamic, one person is going to be slightly more on the aggressive side, while the other person's going to be slightly more on the passive side. And the question is really how much are they aggressive and how much they are passive? And so this is kind of a sliding scale really, because some people might be on the extreme ends, while some people might be geared towards the middle and might be slightly on the lower end of the scale. And it is up to you to identify what is your communication tendency. And what is your partner's communication tendency. So if you recognize, well, I'm slightly more on the passive side because I always say yes when I don't really want to, or, oh, I don't want to start an argument. I don't wanna get into it, so I just don't say anything. If that's the case, then you need to be aware of that because the more and aware you are of that, that's really when you can start catching yourself in those moments and you can pause. You can really start to ask yourself, how is it that this would help me in the long run? Because normally when people are, uh, stuck in their passive communication style, they're doing it because they're just wanting now to be easy. But actually it might make the long run a lot more difficult. So really ask yourself, how does this pan out in the long run? And if it's something that you want to voice because you can say, actually it's going to be needed in the long run, like I am going to want to voice my needs, then you go right ahead and you start edging towards the middle into assertive, and the more that you edge into the middle towards assertive, that's actually when you also invite your partner to Edge towards the middle as well. So that is incredibly important.'cause the more that you understand yourself, the more that you can then start to develop these techniques and strategies to really just recognize what is going on here? When am I being, when am I being triggered? And how is it that I can navigate these situations as well, so that my partner can recognize it? Now, fourth tip, fourth and final tip is how do you repair? So in any. Relationship whenever there is a disagreement, if it spirals out of control into an argument, you really need to have the art of reparation. And it's not to say. You should always spiral, so therefore you always repair. But actually it's really important that you know how to repair. And these are things like being able to take accountability, being able to take responsibility. All those things are really necessary and important. But actually the thing that I really want to highlight, which is important above anything else is your attempt to repair, because the attempt to repair is necessary. And, and the willingness to accept attempts of repair, which I would say is an even bigger thing. So let's say for example, if you are wanting to apologize for something and you know that you did something, or you are wanting to just take the first step. And you are wanting to apologize for your own part, that is amazing because that is your attempt of repairing and if you are wanting to highlight where it is that you want to take responsibility again, that is incredible because that is your attempt to repair. But it is also key and necessary for your partner to also accept your attempts of repair. So they have to be able to hear you and to accept the fact that you are trying to repair, and that you are inviting them into your reparation and vice versa. Now, this is something that is so important and the reason why I'm highlighting it so much is because as much as this sounds nice on a logical level. Unfortunately, I have met a lot of people where they don't want to accept attempts of repair or they struggle to even attempt to repair, so they might struggle to attempt to repair because they are so stuck in defense. And they, uh, don't want to take any part of responsibility or accountability to any degree, which makes it incredibly challenging. Um, and, and by the way, everybody has got something to be responsible and to be accountable for. There are no victims here like it. Everybody's got something. So that's one thing. But also when people. Then express the attempt to repair. What often happens is, is that it's not accepted, but it's actually criticized and blame is just infused even further. And so we actually enter the four horsemen. So you might enter with criticism, you might enter with defense, you might enter a bit of Stonewall link and avoidance of subject, whatever it might be, but. Essentially the attempt to repair isn't really, it's not received, it's not appreciated, and that can be really harmful because what happens is that the original issue isn't repaired, but also the person who's trying to attempt to repair. Doesn't really get their needs met because they're trying, they're putting themselves out there and they're wanting to prioritize the relationship. They're wanting to move forward with it, but they feel stuck. They don't feel like they're able to, and actually subconsciously they get told the message that their repair is still not good enough and they have to work harder and harder. And that would actually create the sense of apathy, the sense of hopelessness, and actually what's the point? What's the point of me trying to repair this if it's not going to go anywhere? And they're more likely to check out, but also the person who rejects the attempt, well actually if you see your partner trying to attempt to repair, but you are just defensive or you know, you're not able to accept it. Then it becomes really challenging because where do you go with that? Well, actually you just build up further and further resentment, but the resentment just stays in you and you are not going to have that fulfilling relationship that you are wanting either. So. What do you do here? Well, actually, you really need, both of you really need to prioritize the relationship, the health of the relationship. If it's really that important to both of you, that is the thing that takes priority. And it does not matter who's right, who's wrong, like who's to blame, what caused, uh, you know, the issue, who attributed to it, like all, all of that stuff. Is really secondary at that stage because really what you're trying to do is you're trying to prioritize the health of the relationship and that is absolutely key. So the moment that you're able to do that, that is really when you are able to. See the attempts of repair when you are willing to attempt to repair and you are also willing to accept that attempt. If anything in today's show has resonated with you, please share it with a friend because if you enjoyed it, I bet that one of them will be to. And if you are interested in the program, please get in touch because we would love to have a conversation and see how this work may be in support of you. Until next time, take care.